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Ask Margo — Psychos and ‘plan B’s’… tortoises and hares

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Q- Hey Margo!
Look, I got an issue with boys who keep their ladies in the dark about their friendships. What's so wrong with honesty these days? Seriously, this guy I know happens to be a super friend  … well, when he decides to talk to me. He's the kinda person who has to have secrets, I suppose.from clipart.com

But for real, drives me mad! See, here's the problem — we have been friends for four years, and he kinda had some intense feelings for me and vice versa, but things didn't work out.

The thing is, we really seem to get each other, and our friendship has been really great.

BUT he has this girlfriend who goes psycho whenever she hears my name, sees my face, etcetera... So, to appease her, he hides me.

As soon as this started, I began to get pretty hurt. At first I understood, but as the years pass it seems to prolong the problem. I don't want to perpetuate insecurity and I feel that by not being real it does this. ESPECIALLY since he calls me up out of the blue and I counsel him on how to help his relationship, and we share great conversations. But I can't do the same. Should people hide their feelings and friendships because their loved ones are jealous?
Thanks for your time,
In the DARK


A- I agree, “In the DARK”; it’s not good that your friendship is being kept a secret. It is not fair to you, or to her and it really only benefits him to have it this way. Her efforts to control the situation by interfering with your friendship has kinda backfired, and I doubt she is as appeased as you have let on.

If given the choice to either know about your sneaky friendship (but not possess any control over it) or have it continue on the DL (and only have a little bit of control  — via him having to hide it which limits his contact with you) she would probably still choose the former because who wants to be lied to? 


She is obviously threatened by you and gets all “psycho” ‘cause she picks up on something in her relationship not being quite right, and feels that that something involves you. 


Maybe you are his plan B? Psychology Today had an interesting article on this some years ago about how some of us (if not most) have a plan B in mind while we date someone else. You can check out the online article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200807/neanderthink-loves-plan-b


If you are his “plan B” then it makes total sense he would keep you separate from his current relationship. It is selfish though.
You can ask him to tell her about you but don’t expect much to come out of it. Express your distaste regarding his secrecy, make it clear to him that you are uncomfortable with it, but don’t force him to make your friendship known to her. Actually, if you push it (and he is serious about staying with her) the only thing you will succeed in doing is straining your friendship further. 
If there is a problem between friends that involves one of their lover’s, the friend usually chooses the lover. The good news is that a friendship has potential to outlast any lover. Kinda like Aesop’s fable of the Tortoise and the Hare. Friends are turtles. Lovers are hares. She’s winning now, but she could soon be right outta the race.


Also, I gotta say that throwing the word “psycho” around isn’t all that nice. You end up sounding competitive and she ends up with a label that isn’t deserved. It is all too easy for women to get a reputation as being “psycho” when that hardly ever is the case. All a dude has to pretty much do is tell a few friends a few tales and then bang, the girl’s a psycho. We don’t know what really goes on in people’s relationships, gossip or angry tales don’t tell us what causes a woman to act in a way that is considered (by us judgers) as inappropriate.

Really, what is inappropriate behaviour in such a complicated and passionate relationship as the one that occurs between two lovers? Best to stay out of it and keep your mouth shut about any rumours of her behaviour or mental health because, well, you’ve probably been called a psycho too.


Back to my advice: as you take solace in the notion that your friend will likely be back, rehearse the speech you will give him about how you won’t put up with this kind of thing from him ever again.
Ask Margo for advice. Email questions to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Confidentiality, an open mind, and a sense of humour totally assured.

— by Margo, Special To L.A. Beat
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