Q- I think the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin was based on my life. I’m not bad looking, I have a good job and interesting hobbies. But the older I get, the harder it is to admit to a woman that I have never had sex. I’m almost ashamed of it. So the question is, what do women think when a guy tells her he’s a virgin? Do they back away or are most pretty accepting? When do you bring it up in a relationship?
A- I once dated a guy who lost his virginity late. When he was younger he had a lot of girls interested in him, but he was too shy to pursue them. As he got older his confidence grew but by the time he was ready to put on the moves, alas, the ladies were gone. It took him years to finally meet his taker, and by then his intact virginity was some kind of shameful secret, something he should get rid of ASAP. Part of the reason for this shame is that virgin men have no clue how women will feel about their virginity.
It is often assumed that the man is more experienced than his female partner, which is (of course!) not always the case. Still, many women don’t want a virgin, but instead revel in thinking their lover has this long sexual history, full of young girls who were left in the dust. Yet there are women who want to be virginity takers, or at least they want to be the one in charge, showing the guy a thing or two. It really just depends on the woman. Anyway, what matters more is how you make your partner/date feel.
When do you bring it up in the relationship? Whenever you damn well want to, that’s when. Whenever you are comfortable enough, and not a second sooner, and if that time never comes, than so be it.
Sheesh, not only have you gone a lifetime without sex, you are also worried about what future partners are going to think about it? Forget about it. Take the pressure off. It’s not like someone is going to come along and find you out. If you are worried about performance or being awkward, then there are ways around that too.
Depending on the situation, you can excuse yourself by saying things like: “I’m sorry if it wasn’t (or I am not) super smooth it’s just been awhile”; or “sorry if I’m nervous. I haven’t dated in a long time”.
She does not need to know exactly how long. Provided you can assure her that you are free of STD’s, your sexual history is your business. If you end up dating someone who asks a lot of questions, you can refuse to speak about it until ready, or you can lie and say that the last girl you dated, years ago, hurt you badly and scared you off of women for a long time. It then appears that your sexual hiatus was your choice (this isn’t necessary, but still not a bad idea). And you end up looking mysterious, which is great. I understand that this is a little deceiving, but what’s worse, a little bit of dishonesty when it comes to your past (people do it all the effing time), or you giving away your secrets to someone who doesn’t yet deserve to know them? Lovers have to earn such privileges, right?
P.S.-If I later found out that I took a lover’s virginity and he was deceitful about it, I would be like “why didn’t you tell me?” but then I would also totally understand. That all said, I hope you find a woman you can be honest with, one that loves your virginity but will take the hell-outta it.