Q- Dear Margo: I've been seeing a new guy for the past two months or so and needless to say, I'm smitten. Everything about our relationship so far is great.
We are compatible, have great conversations, do interesting things, and so on. We're both insanely attracted to each other and as a result our sex is pretty exceptional. There is only one problem.
At the very beginning of our relationship, I would become very aroused, very quickly (understandably, because it was also very new). It's only been a couple months in and although I'm still easily turned on by him, I have been struggling to get the juices flowing, if you know what I mean.
We do engage quite frequently, so I'm wondering if maybe I'm not giving myself enough time to recover and get all hot and bothered again. Basically, what I want to know is: what is going on with my vagina and how do I fix it?
A- It seems like your vagina has become the victim of habituation. Repeated exposure to your boyfriend and whatever he does to get you going has caused your body to respond a little less than it did before.
Instead of reaching for the lube know that your body will likely produce what you need; it just won’t happen immediately.
Generally women’s bodies take longer to prepare for sex. You might not have noticed this at first because you might have been ready to go as soon as sexual activity was initiated; however, the thrill of this new awesome person could have been so strong your body was already responding to the idea of him before you even started fooling around.
If you had been planning on jumping his bones while getting ready to meet him, your body would have been responding even then.
So your body will still react to him, it just might not start as soon as it had before.
Come up with a few things to try to avoid getting right down to it. You could demand your panties stay on for at least 10 minutes longer than they would normally.
You could also crank the hell out of some loud music like you were stuck in your own bad movie (if you don’t do this already) where you are this 80’s rockin’ vixen who only ‘does it’ when Danzig or AC/DC is blasting; or if you want your movie to have a grunge theme you could try Pearl Jam, though the slow jams, or the sound of Eddie Vedder, might kill it entirely. Make a mix tape how-bout? Or, you know, you could come up with something way better than my cheesy and shameful ideas. But you might also have to accept your vagina isn’t going to respond the way it used to, at least not all the time.
This might be old news to some of you, but it has been argued women’s pattern of arousal is different than men’s. Dudes might want sex and then get a boner, or get a boner and then want sex, but women may get the lady boners later, even way later, like even halfway into it.
And because blood flow precedes lubrication it takes a while to get there. I mean what woman hasn’t had dry’ish sex only to go to the bathroom after to be like ‘ what the hell vagina, now you decide to lubricate?’ Rosemary Basson, a sex therapist, has asked a lot of women a lot of questions about their arousal patterns.
She has found that the difference between women’s sexual response cycles and men’s is that often women don’t initially feel like doing it.
It isn’t their lady boners that make them want to have sex but it is often something else like: they want to please their partner, be close to them, or be one of those couples that do it all the time. In these cases, desire, aka lady boners, (why do I keep saying lady boners?) come after they start fooling around. So start fooling around longer.
If you don’t have time to read through Basson’s papers, check out the following link. It is a quick and easy read.
Confidentiality, an open mind, and a sense of humour totally assured.