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Ask Margo


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You can go your own way (or at least threaten to)

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Q-Dear Margo, I have been seeing this girl for two years and we’ve been living together for a year. We are both musicians and I met her at a gig I was playing. In the beginning she was a huge fan of my music. Recently however, she has made it known repeatedly in many ways that she does not like me going out to play. I have been getting the silent treatment two days before until two days after any gig or rehearsal.


I have been a musician for many years and have always maintained a professional attitude towards music, I have never cheated on any girl, nor would I cheat on her and when I’m done the gig for the night I go home immediately following the show with my money in hand. How do I make it clear to her that the way she treats me is ruining the relationship? I have no intentions of quitting music but I will however leave her if pressed to make a choice. Thanks for your help.


A- I can see how a partner’s attitude change about your music (going from “oh that’s sexy” to “oh that’s not cool with me”) is frustratingly unfair, but I can also see how this change might have happened.

When you were first together things were probably fun and exciting enough for her not to feel threatened by anything else you were doing. Now that you have been together for some time it’s possible that she has become insecure about the solidity of your relationship. Ask yourself if her feeling threatened is somewhat understandable? Is it just in her head, or isn’t it perhaps a little real?


Performers give themselves to their audience by putting themselves out there to be admired, crushed on, judged etc. They can seem attractive and accessible to audience members who are engaging and making their own personal connections with the performance.

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Ask Margo — If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life… overcoming the friend barrier

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Q- Dear Margo,
"I think I’m a cute, sweet, interesting, nice and decent man, yet I am single. I have a lot of close female friends, but no girlfriend.
I cherish all of my female friends, they come to me for advice, they talk to me about all of their problems, they’ll have a coffee with me and then they complain to me that there are no good men out there, yet they can not see me as anything other than a friend, or even worse a ‘father figure,’ as some of them are a few years younger than me (not too young of course, 8-10 years max) , yet I can not overcome the ‘friend barrier.’ I always thought a good relationship with a woman began with a good, solid friendship. I don’t mind being their confidante and coffee buddy, but how do I overcome the friend barrier and turn a girl friend into an actual girlfriend.

Isn’t that one of the things a woman wants in a man ― a good, solid friendship? Someone who will listen to them? Be kind to them and accept them for who they are? Or am I being naïve? For that matter, how does a woman let a man know that she is interested in him romantically rather than just a friend?

A- The “friend barrier” is not something you can just overcome.

All the smooth tricks in the book won’t get you anywhere unless one of these female friends already has, or has the potential to have, an interest in you.


It is likely that your female friends are not telling you the whole story when they say they are looking for a “good man”. They are probably thinking of a handsome, talented man who has money and social status, is intelligent and all the things they want in a partner, oh and they want him to be a nice guy. Tall order huh? But just ask ’em in 10 years if they got all those qualities in a partner and you may see a lot of our love lives and partner searches don’t pan out the way we want them to.

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Find out husband’s deal by steppin’ in on his groove

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Q- My husband and I married young. Now that our children are getting older he seems to have taken on a whole new life of going out, playing music, and making new friends that I have never even met.

It’s true that neither one of us have to stay at home with the kids that often anymore, but he will sometimes come home late at night and it disrupts the household. I am beginning to feel left out, and wonder how far I should let this extra life go?

 

A- The catchphrase of the last decade: “40 is the new20” or “new 30” is kinda true in many ways. It is no longer the norm for adults to be all, you know, grown up all of the time. Maybe your husband is embracing this and living his life the way he wants it to be, but the thing is, it shouldn’t come at too high of a cost, i.e., losing time spent with you or causing emotional distance between you. Is he being out of line, or are you not ready for this new change?


How are you going to know what it is unless you join in on the good times? With a positive attitude and an open mind, go with him the next time he goes out.

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Ask Margo— Stay out of the danger zone (with your husband and your phone)

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Q- My husband and I are happily married with two kids. He has a casual friendship with his ex who lives out of town. She is coming to visit for others reasons but my husband invited her to stay with us.

He asked me if it was okay after he mentioned it to her. He also said that he is willing to take it back if it’s not okay with me. I am not sure how I feel about it. They dated so many years ago so it seems silly of me to insist that she can’t stay. What do you think?


A: I think that if you are cool with it, and they are, then there is nothing wrong with her coming provided that it is just for a couple of days. Unless you have reason to question someone’s motives here?

If you are suspicious of her, this visit will be your chance to show her awesome you are, and how “happy” your family is, so she needn’t even try.

Maybe you’ll realize that she is a zero threat and end up making a friend outta the deal (chances are you have at least a few things in common).

If you are concerned about your husband’s intentions then talk to him and decide if it is a legit concern.

If you are worried about both of their intentions, and you have good reasons to feel this way (feeling really uncomfortable with this arrangement is a good reason BTW), then say no, and mean it. Then congratulate yourself for staying out of ‘the danger zone’ with your husband.   

Q: I don’t know what kinds of questions you answer but I will try anyway. The other day me and my boyfriend were having sex and I saw later that my mom had called at around that time and since the phone was in the bed it was answered. I don’t know if she heard anything and I have been avoiding her the last couple of days because I am so embarrassed. What should I do? Should I say anything to her about it?

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Ask Margo— Pretending to be cool is an oxymoron

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Q: I am really into this guy who is hot and cold with me. He doesn’t always acknowledge me when I see him and then sometimes we have long meaningful conversations. We are not together but I am hoping to get to know him better. What would be the best approach or maybe I should give up?


A: A direct approach is always best, unless you are trying to ‘play it cool’? The problem with playing it cool is that it involves pretending. If you want to do a convincing job of this then you should probably just say hi when you see him.

from clipart.comFrom what I’ve noticed that is what people tend to do when they are kinda into someone: they say hi like it ain’t no biggie. When you think he is being “cold” he could just be doing the same thing you are doing.


The aforementioned expression has the word “play” in it for a reason. Dating can sometimes be a bit of a game. If you don’t want it to be this way then cut the BS and ask him to hang with you sometime.

If you can’t bring yourself to do it, then you could just embrace the game player in you, and if you are going that route: attention seeking when he is around (loud boisterous talking and joke cracking) and continuing to make it seem like you don’t notice him or don’t care might just do the trick … or it could potentially make him think you are a loser. Good luck.  


Q: I really pissed off my girlfriend and now she is punishing me. Any tips on how to get her to forgive me?


A: Talk to her, if you are sorry for whatever it is that you did be sorry and show it. Being mad is costly, and takes effort, so she won’t want to stay that way unless it is somehow worth it. Hope it isn’t for your sake.
And hey next time (I’m going to quote a friend of a friend who, like a certain former US president, mixes up words) please be ‘more pacific’ so that I can, you know, give ya more advice. Thanks for writing in though.


All lovers, and would be lovers: Do you have a relationship/dating/sex question?  Ask Margo for advice. Email questions to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Confidentiality, an open mind, and a sense of humour totally assured.
Are you too shy, or embarrassed? Use a fake email account, or tell me the question is for a "friend".

— By Margo, Special to L.A. Beat
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